©2018 BY MANDY ABNEY

When moms PRETEND to poop

July 6, 2018

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Kids suck. Yes I said it. That is why I spend about an hour a day in the bathroom ๐Ÿ’ฉ PRETENDING to poop!ย  I mean, not all at one sitting, have you, but yeah, one hour a day, over several "poops" I hide from my kids in the bathroom!ย  And y'all!ย  I don't even care what's going on behind the other side of that door!

My kids can be legitย jerks. I'm just being real. So if you want to hear all the good stuff about kids, log on to Pinterest where 99.99999999% of the stuff you see is smiling kiddos and unicorns and rainbows and perfection, or let's be honest, most of the feedย on FAKEbook.

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My kids don't always suck, some days they freaking rock!!! And of course I love them to death, but they also do a lot that drives me crazy and makes me want to stab my right eye out with a fork.

Like right now as I post this, Noah is whacking a bottle of water on the hard wood floor over and over and over again. Like, WHYYYY?!

I was supposed to have lunch with a friend today and put on cute clothes and have adult conversation. My kids are freaking 11 & 14. I'm sorry to break it to you younger moms, but there is no light at the end of the tunnel.ย ย 

Nope. None. Sorry, they actually become bigger and more annoying.ย  And TOTALLY creepy when they still want to watch you poop at ummm 14???ย  Come on!

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But in spite of being irritated with my children during one of my many pretend potty breaks, I had an A-HA moment.ย  What IF we all posted these REAL moments on social media, instead of the glammed up version of ourselves?ย  The version that has to go through photoshop 8 times and comes out looking nothing like the person you really are!ย  But wait, that's what FAKEbook likes, so we post away!ย  Besides, NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE needs to see an image of me fake pooping, and that is just about as real as it gets!

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This comparison game is dangerous.

So maybe we should all unite and realize that when we compare, we are comparing someone's BEST to our WORST.

Because really!!! I can't help but laugh when those annoyingly perfect moms brag that they ONLY give their kids all-natural food and would never give them Benadryl at night to sleep! (This trick TOTALLY works moms!)ย You know what else isย all-natural? Poisonous berries and โ€™shrooms.

Maybe we should all be REAL. Share our true lives. Do you know how freeing that is? I'm dying over here as I'm imaging jaws dropping because they can't handle my rawness, or my humor.

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Maybe for every happy, smiley, wonderful picture we post on social media, we should be required to post a more realistic picture of a moment when our kids are acting like the devilโ€™s spawn.

Because I have found that this will make people like you more, not less. It makes us all feel a little more connected.

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Well, maybe I'm just looking for a way to know Iโ€™m not the only one who thinks about killing her kids on a daily basis. Not really. But kinda.

Peace out. I'm going to "poop" a while longer.

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