Here's some truth that hurts pretty deep for some of my religious friends.
Some truths we just have to share, and they DO hurt.
There was a time in my life not so long ago that I didn't feel like going to church anymore, and I've gone my whole life.
Most of you that follow our story know the situation, but in case you’re new, we've just recently met, or you just now decided you like me 😜 I’ll just let you know that our life hit rock bottom almost 3 years ago.
I had been unfaithful for nearly 6 years, hiding secrets, dealing with guilt, being exposed...all at the same time trying to deal with depression, anxiety, and several other mental issues.
We've seen counselors, therapists, psychiatrists and medical doctors. So many recommended staying in church, being consistent for the kids. I’ll be honest and tell you that just going to Wal-Mart was hard in the beginning.
The scrutiny, the judgement, the whispers from living in such a small town, not to mention going to church? It just brought on so much anxiety just by pulling into the parking lot. Y'all I could barely breathe!
So WHY did I feel this way?? Was it insecurities that I'm dealing with myself?? Quite possibly.
It could also be the fact that when my church clothes got dirty that my “Christian” friends were very quick to tell me that...
>I ruined my life.
>I will never be able to reach people again.
>If John knew what was best he would leave!
>Questioned how I could you do that?
Then?? Communication stopped from these "friends". The lowest point in my life when I so desperately needed godly friends. Instead, when they would see me out they would and STILL do quickly avoid me and my family. At this point, John and I just have to laugh about it.
It sounds like I’m knocking all Christians, godly people, but I’m not.
Church isn't an option for my family. So we go. I went, went with anxiety. But at times I wanted to SCREAM “I’m over here!! I’m hurting!! Please help me! Please hear me! Please show that I matter and that you care! Please! Notice me! Love me! I need you!
You see, we decided to SHARE our story instead of hide it. WHY? Well, I’ll tell you why!
Because no one else talks about it! I felt alone, because I WAS alone!
We have realized that so many other couples also have stories. Stories that they didn't want to share. They were also hurting, wanting to scream! Wanting someone to hear, to listen!
I knew this feeling wouldn't last forever, it's taught me to love so fiercely and help so many along the way. But for that time, I embraced it.
That mess, had a purpose. That mess is our message. It's much deeper than infidelity and losing friends, and trust and becoming bitter....
It all makes sense now. It's all starting to come together.
I hope you're ready to hear how I PROVED them WRONG!
>I didn't ruin my life! I'm actually living the best life!
>I'm helping WAY more people now than I EVER did in THAT church
My heart is literally beating out of my chest as I read through my emails, fb messages, IG messages daily that I receive from people in our marriage group or others that have followed our journey.
It just shows me that God has a purpose in it all. Even when you think you've messed it all up!
The truth? I didn't feel like going to church...but I still did.
But here's a HARDER truth! When I was silent screaming for someone to hear me, to see me, to feel my pain, I have a feeling they really did, they just didn't want to be inconvenienced by mess I was in. Our church's are supposed to be a safe place, a place to be transparent, but for some reason we feel as if we have to have it all together there.
Fast forward 3 years and now I know the REAL TRUTH. When the holy spirit is moving inside a church, the people WILL SEE you, they will HEAR you and they will not be silent. So go, but keep going until you find that spirit filled church like I've found. There's no other place to be. It's a place of acceptance, of love, of forgiveness. It's what the church should be and why now, I actually WANT to go to church again!